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Can't find the one? Suzanne Portnoy extols the virtues of juggling a number of men after she realised her husband of ten years was more interested in his career than her:
‘Wouldn’t you like a proper boyfriend?’ asked my friend Jane recently. We had been discussing her love life, or lack of it, and as usual the conversation turned toward my love life.
It is, after all, more interesting because it’s more active - given that I am currently seeing six different men - even if it’s not really about love. ‘How long are you going to keep playing musical boyfriends?’ she wondered.
Monogamy is her issue, not mine. I was married, and monogamous, for ten years but eventually I realised my husband’s heart belonged, not to me or even to another woman, but to his career. After my divorce I’ve found it easier, and so much less disappointing, to have, and keep, multiple men rather than to settle down with just one.
I refer to my stable of studs as my 'dating portfolio'. After all, each of them has different physical and emotional strengths and weaknesses, meaning that I can cherry pick my dates to suit my needs at the time. Many of my friends disapprove - especially other single mother's like me - but while they are furiously looking for (and usually not finding) 'the one' I am meeting my needs with a harem of men at my disposal.
Take Roy. He’s nice, but I wouldn’t want to bring him home to meet my parents. Between his ferocious shaved head and the large diamond drilled into his tooth, he’d spook them. But he’s fine for me. A builder by trade, a massage therapist and a stripper on the side, at 48 he has the body of a man half his age.
Better yet, when he’s finished making love to me, he often sorts out the small DIY jobs in my house. Naked. The fact he has a string of other ‘girlfriends’ is immaterial. I’m not looking for lasting love. But when I want to go out dancing, he’s the perfect partner because he knows how to spin a woman around the dance floor without dropping her.
Then there’s Michael, the legal intern. He’s delightful – great to look at and laugh with, in bed and out of it. We’ve been seeing each other on and off for a couple of years, and we’ve never argued, unlike most couples who have known each more than a month. Perhaps Michael can’t afford to take me to the Ivy, but when I need some free legal advice, I only have to pick up the phone.
Not all of my relationships are sexual. Experience has taught me there’s no point in trying to fit a man into a box that he doesn’t belong in. I don’t need a man to ‘make me whole’ or to serve as a sperm donor. Having popped out two lovely kids, I’ve fulfilled my biological destiny. And I’ve got the house, the car, my own income.
When I meet Larry for cocktails occasionally, or to go to a museum or the cinema, it’s for friendship. I’m confident he won’t try making a move. We went there once, and it didn’t work out. Yet he’s a keeper. He has the rare ability to truly listen to a woman. I’ve spent more time sharing my thoughts with him than I did with my husband in the last years of our marriage.
I also see Paul, a 56-year-old financial guru; Glyn, a 38-year-old theatre director; and Kofi, a 27-year-old African musician who speaks very little English but manages to communicate his desires quite winningly. I’ve found the perfect man, only he’s six different people.
So when people say that being in a steady relationship is all about compromise, I wonder, ‘Why should I have to?’ My relationships with the men in my life suit the men as well as me. We all know what we want from each other – whether sex or friendship or both – when we meet up. After our rendezvous, we move on with our lives.
It wasn’t always this easy. When I got divorced, five years ago, at forty, like so many middle-aged divorcees, I spent a lot of time trying to find a boyfriend, a replacement. I tried internet dating, hanging out in members’ bars and clubs, attending dinner parties, all with the aim of meeting someone special.
One shouldn’t have to come out of the clouds in order to realize that finding ‘the one’ isn’t easy. Or necessarily even worth it. Yet we persist in dreaming. He must be handsome. Sexy. Rich. Clever. Amusing. The list of ‘musts’ can stretches a kilometer. Not good. But typical.
Newly liberated after my divorce, I played catch-up, and went out on a lot of dates; I stopped counting after the number topped 100. And still I wasn’t satisfied – wasn’t meeting Mr Right. Finally I came to my senses and gave up – on the idea of monogamy and on the idea of ‘finding’ a man.
I realized I already had a number of them. I decided to see the ones I wanted just long enough to enjoy his assets, and to send him packing before the demerits began nagging. Works for me, and for good reason. ‘There are a number of positive benefits from this lifestyle choice for confident women,’ says London relationship psychologist Dr Pam Spurr.
‘They feel in control of their lives, and know what they want – and more importantly what they don't want – from a relationship.’ Women who can relate to different men, for different reasons, and on different terms, she says, ‘no longer have to aspire to finding one man to provide every dimension to their need for intimacy.
I've definitely observed this sort of lifestyle choice becoming more common amongst middle-aged women.'
My non-monogamous life is not for everybody, of course. Indeed, there are drawbacks to rejecting monogamy in favor of variety, and Spurr warns they can serious. ‘Women with low self-esteem and poor relationship skills may find themselves getting used by unscrupulous men who see them as easy targets for sex,’ she says.
An already emotionally damaged woman seeking love may fall into a relationship with a man on easy terms that aren't really what she wants, she says. And many women don’t have the confidence to stand up for what they really want.
Still, it can be as fulfilling as it is fun. I wrote a book about my experiences in the hope of inspiring other women to seek happiness their own way. If that means reappraising the path to Mr Right and the conventions about monogamy, so be it.
Juggling multiple partners won’t work for everyone, but it certainly works for me, and I’ve received enough letters from other women leading a similar lifestyle to know I’m not alone. And, until I find the one man who’ll make me want to settle down, I’m enjoying the smorgasbord.
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