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Oh Internet. You tempt me with your ease and convenience, tease me with your pervasive charm and lure me in with your promises of instant gratification.
Yes, Internet, you've made life easier in so many ways, but could you do me a favor? When it comes to love, relationships or pretty much anything not involving driving directions, plane tickets or watching a dog ride a skateboard, could you just stay out of it? Thanks.
I'm not talking about drunk emailing - no, that's my own fault and really I should have learned my lesson from its predecessor, drunk dialing. I'm not even talking about those annoying eHarmony commercials (although, really, that should be enough).
I'm talking about the dark side of Google, the teenage souls lost to My Space and the plethora of pages oversharing the lives - and bodies - of the average person.
I wonder if this all came about because Bill Gates had a bad blind date experience in college. His friend assured him they'd hit it off, said she was a dancer, mature and really into world religion. Turned out she was a stripper, pushing 50 and led a satan worshipping cult.
If only somehow I could have researched this woman, young Bill thought, before spending my comic book money on her dinner. If only there were Windows - accessible to everyone - giving them a glimpse into other people's lives.
And that's how you came into my life, Internet, along with the help of some other geeks with bad blind dating experiences ( Al Gore, I'm talking to you). All your creators and sculptors wanted was to bring a little honesty into the dating world. Yep, and all Dr. Frankenstein wanted was a companion.
Fast forward to the present.
Thanks to Google and My Space, stalking is accessible to even the most cash-strapped predators. Wondering what that ex that you just can't get over is up to? Here, why don't you find out where she lives, works and even where she'll be this weekend.
I'm sure she'd love to see you, and why not bring that personalized wedding cake topper you bought on ebay along - you know, just to show her.
When she calls you a psycho and says she never wants to see you again, go ahead and post those drunken college pictures of her on HotorNot.com. Be sure to send the link to all of her friends. Maybe to her boss as well, for good measure.
I can just hear Bill and Al berating me for taking extreme scenarios, and they'd have a point.
But if you're reading this online, odds are you've googled an ex or a potential mate. Or you've gotten a friend request on My Space from someone you hoped you'd never see again. You might have visited specialized websites - like those for weddings or new babies - to catch up on the milestones in someone's life who obviously didn't want to fill you in.
Innocent fun, right?
What's so bad about satiating a little curiosity here and there? I hear ya, Bill.
But what about those who've become so involved with the guilty pleasures of the Internet that they rarely leave the screen? That could be my friend's potential husband trapped on OddTodd.com.
Because of you, Internet, he might keep clicking instead of climbing that mountain where they were supposed to meet. I always hear single women lamenting the disappearance of quality, single men. There they are ladies, the pale ones in line at the Mac store.
So Internet, how about we make a deal?
I'll keep using you to check movie times, read Michael Dirda's weekly chat and peruse celebrity gossip, and you'll stay out of the average person's love life.
Let's bring the secrets and deception back to where they belong - the dating world.
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