Boy meets girl.
Girl likes boy.
Boy likes girl. The relationship moves along until one day one of them pops the question:
Should we see a counsellor about getting engaged?
Surprised?
It might seem a tad over-cautious to invite a counsellor into the discussion over whether to get engaged, but Glenda Pryce, who holds a master's degree in social work and counsels through Island Pastoral Services, says that the high divorce rate is driving up couples' awareness that living "happily ever after" is a dream that takes work.
And, she says, it's easier to help a couple learn the skills needed in a good relationship before, rather than during matrimony.
"They want to know how to create a relationship that will last," says Pryce, 44, of pre-engaged couples who have enlisted her help. It's not only couples who are showing a taste for forethought and planning when it comes to marriage.
Singles are getting in on the act as well. Pryce says the last relationship course she ran was populated evenly between couples and singles.
Halyna Harmatiuk, a single technical design consultant, took a relationship course with Pryce 18 months ago; she describes the course as a "mind-blower."
"I think a lot of single people need relationship courses; that's why they're single," says Harmatiuk. The course helps participants see why themes keep repeating in their relationships, both past and present. "I'm much more careful about getting into a relationship now," says Harmatiuk. "I take it a lot slower. There's too much going on at the beginning of a relationship; you don't need to complicate it by rushing it."
Sometimes, "emotional red flags" send couples to a counsellor before becoming engaged.
Other couples, Pryce says, are demonstrating a healthy attitude toward marriage, combining their intention with action, and that is a good thing.
"There's a complacency about relationships in our culture," Pryce says. It's a byproduct of the harried pace of modern life, where career and cultural pressures force relationships to the backburners. Being intentional about romantic relationships can make all the difference. Pryce says this is evident in cultures where marriages are arranged, a custom that makes North Americans wonder "where's the love?"
"This is what helps a relationship to flourish," says Pryce. "They go into it saying, 'I intend to love that person, I intend to do my best, I intend to grow and to help the other person to grow.' "
While pre-marital counselling courses have been around for decades, pre-engagement courses don't exist.
Bill Cole, who also counsels through Island Pastoral Services, asks pre-engaged couples to list their concerns.
"They've come in because they're not quite convinced," says Cole, 60. But he doesn't see that lack of certainty as a negative sign. "They're asking good questions." Some come in with deeper issues, but Cole still says that doesn't mean the relationship is headed for the ditch.
"It's all in how they manage those struggles," he says. "After all, all of us have struggles."
So how can a couple know they're ready to get engaged?
"Are they ever?" says Cole. He maintains that marriage is one of those relationships that "we don't know what we're getting into until we're into it, so there's always going to be question marks."
Cole and Pryce often send pre-engaged couples to courses designed for couples who are already engaged, saying both groups have the same questions.
Love can be blind to warning signs, says Jayne Weatherbe, a marriage, family and sex therapist at the Family Therapy Institute of Vancouver Island. She says that during courtship, "The primitive brain kicks in and there are hormones coursing through the brain that is all about finding a mate."
The boyfriend or girlfriend who looks like a sociable, passionate, laid-back partner before marriage can emerge as a heavy-drinking, philandering, hot-tempered laggard after the hormonal effect washes away, cautions Weatherbe, 57.
All three counsellors emphasize the importance of spirituality in a relationship.
"Or are you only going to be about getting that big house," Weatherbe says.
"Is he or she the one?" might seem to be the most important question, but Cole says the question that should be asked is "Am I the one?"
Cole says individuals need to work on their own emotional maturity before they worry about how they'll function as a couple.
"We all have a tendency to hope our partner is going to change into the person we want them to be, and that's a recipe for disaster," notes Cole. And that extends to accepting your prospective spouse for what he or she already is, not who or what they might be.